The Lies We Tell Ourselves
by mabelreid
Summary: One shot follow up to "Truth or Dare. Spoilers for the episode. From JJ's POV JJ has a realization at Rossi's wedding. Will she be able to live with the aftermath?


**_Disclaimer: see my profile_**

**_A/n spoilers for "Truth or Dare." One shot from JJ's POV. I give all credit to the dialog taken directly from the episode to the writers of CM_**

The barrel of the gun pointed at her loomed so large in her vision, she couldn't see anything other than an instrument made only for pain and death.

"Woo-wee, that's some last words right there. Good, but not good enough."

She flinched back at the same time the roar of a gunshot shattered the air and jerked again when he fell dead at her feet and she realized that Spence had killed him. How? Her brain refused to engage for half a second, then her eyes fell on the ankle holster strapped to his leg.

_How? _

Insanely, her mind circled around and around the fact that Dr. Spencer Reid wore a clutch piece. When? Why didn't he tell her? Why did it matter?

Spence didn't speak as he helped her to her feet, turned her around and began to remove the duct tape that bound her wrists. She could feel the warmth of his breath on her head as he worked and the weight of her revelation suddenly tumbled in like stone walls in an earthquake. As soon as her arms fell to her sides, she turned and stared up at him. He stayed quiet, but his eyes spoke volumes to her. She almost opened her mouth to deny her feelings, when LEOs and most of the team burst into the room.

The chaos of the next few minutes kept her from admitting that she'd miscalculated so badly, she'd never find a way to fix it. While talking to Rossi she found her eyes wandering to Spence, and then away, and back again. She felt his eyes on her and remembered the awareness of them from years ago when he'd stare at her with such longing it terrified her to the depths of her soul.

The flight home, and then hurrying to change for Rossi's wedding kept her mind occupied. Dealing with Will and the boys helped, but when they entered the beautiful reception hall where Krystal and Dave would marry, the first person she saw was Spence. He looked – broken, again. How many times had she seen him with confusion, misery, and love in his eyes when he looked at her? How many times had she hurt him by rejecting his love and devotion?

She wanted to make Emily stop when the Unit Chief began to speak of twin flames and souls that belonged together. It was too late for her. She'd made her choice, years ago out of fear and doubt and now must live with it for Henry and Michael's sake. She'd made a promise and she'd keep it.

Still, she couldn't stop her eyes from wandering to Spence. He was hurting but he was strong, and one day he'd forgive her and someday he'd find someone else to fill the void in his heart that she'd willfully caused because she let fear override _her_ heart. Finally, she worked up the courage to join Spence at the bar.

"Hi," she greeted.

"Hello."

"So, I never got the chance to say thank you for saving my life."

"You're welcome. You okay?"

"Yeah. Luke was right, huh. Two guns. When did you start wearing an ankle holster?"

"Around the time I got out of prison."

"Right. So, um about earlier what I said, um I needed to say something that would get his attention and I needed to say something that would get _your_ attention, you know, I just needed to throw him off balance and – "

"Jennifer," he interrupted her and the use of her first name sent chills down her back. She'd never admit to anyone how her heart always sang when he called her by her given name.

"Truth or Dare," Spence said and turned to face her head on.

She almost sighed in frustration, but then said. "Truth."

"Did you mean it?"

She stared at him and the words she needed to say – that she _had_ to say to free them both, wouldn't come.

"Time to cut the cake," Emily interrupted and the spell broke like shattered glass.

Spence turned from her and she laid a hand on his arm. "Hey."

"It's okay," he said. "Everything's okay," he repeated.

"Yeah," she agreed despite the new pain in his eyes.

_Who's the better liar, now? _

She let him walk away from her because one inescapable truth finally forced its way into her heart. The second gun. She'd thought there was no way out, and had told her secret to save his life, and her own life. If she'd known Spence wore a clutch piece, she wouldn't have told the truth, she never would've played the game in the first place, but found another way.

The truth rocked her to her core and she bit back tears as she joined Will and watched Dave and Krystal cut the cake. The song playing in the background talked about second chances, but there was no second chance for her and Spence. He knew the truth and he would live with it no matter the cost and she'd have to live with the knowledge that for the third time, she'd broken his heart. There was no going back. The damage was irreparable this time. He'd close off, and retreat behind a wall she'd never breach again. Their close bond was broken and soon she'd have to mourn it and live without it. She nearly screamed with the pain of this knowledge but knew she had only herself to blame and no way to fix it.


End file.
